


even when I cannot see, you are so beautiful

by thefreshestandthebest



Category: The Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Blindness, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-13 01:48:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17478935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefreshestandthebest/pseuds/thefreshestandthebest
Summary: Inspired by the quote, "even when I cannot see, you are so beautiful," from "A Deeper Love" (Ghosts of the Shadow Market). Jem is blind. Tessa is an English literature professor at the local university. Starts off as a coffee shop AU. Future chapter(s) may include major character death.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've purposely kept their ages and geographic location vague; those things don't really matter. However old or wherever they are, and no matter the time or dimension, Jem and Tessa will always find their way to one another.

“I can sense that what you’re wearing is garish enough to make the whole block go blind, never mind me.”

Tessa half-turned at the soft, clear voice behind her. There were two young men bantering behind her in the coffee shop queue. Normally she would have been annoyed at how their voices carried, but to her surprise, their conversation entertained her greatly. She didn't get a clear enough glimpse at the pair, but she could tell that they were good friends, albeit very odd ones.

“Carstairs, you wound me. How could I have made such a poor choice of friend? If I had known better, I would have befriended the pretty blonde next door--”

“Jessamine hates you.”

“Henry, then--”

“Henry will set you on fire. Though if it’ll damage your questionable excuse for a business-casual suit enough to prevent you from wearing it ever again, I support your choice completely.”

Tessa couldn’t help it; she stifled a traitorous giggle, but she wasn’t quick enough. She turned to find the two men gazing curiously in her direction.

One of them was wearing sunglasses that shaded his eyes, and he held a white cane in one hand. He wore a smile that lit up his whole face, which Tessa observed was exquisitely beautiful. His companion, also dark-haired, stared at her, brows raised, with striking blue-violet eyes set in an annoyingly chiseled face.

“Did we just--” the man wearing sunglasses began. “Will, did we just make someone laugh? I’m sorry, are we being too loud?”

“Yes, it appears we did make someone laugh. Giggle, really, but you heard it as well as I did. And no, I refuse to believe that we were being too loud. I think people simply ought to learn to mind their own business.” He looked pointedly at Tessa, though there was amusement in the look.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear.” She looked now at the suit that Will was wearing. “I have to agree with your friend. The red and blue pinstripes do not suit you.” It wasn’t completely true; to her, Will looked like the kind of guy who could make a sack of potatoes look flattering.

“Now the lady hurts me, too. Honestly, I just came here for a cuppa. I did not expect to be leveled an attack headed by you, James, who cannot even see for yourself if my outfit is pleasing or not.”

“I do not need eyes to see that this lady is a wise person to consult on matters of fashion.”

“Next customer, please!”

Tessa, still chuckling, gave her order to the barista. Then she found a table with ample sunlight. It was a crisp fall day--she loved to come to The French Press and read on her days off when the weather was like this.

As she looked up to thank the barista for bringing over her latte, Tessa caught sight of the two men from the queue walking towards her.

“While the two of you prefer to be rude, I would like to take this opportunity to be courteous and properly introduce myself. My name is Will.” He held out a hand.

“Tessa,” she said, taking his hand. She would have stopped there, but something about him compelled her to keep teasing him. “I would say that it’s nice to meet you, but I’m not sure ‘nice’ is the right word to use here.”

The man Will had called James laughed out loud. “I like her,” he said to a gobsmacked Will. “Nice one, Tessa. I’m James, by the way, but you can call me Jem. Everybody does.”

_I like her_. He said it so casually, but as she shook his hand, Tessa felt herself flush lightly all the same.

“Pleased to meet you, Jem. Will the two of you be spending the afternoon here?”

“Unfortunately not,” said Jem. “We have an appointment soon. Concerning these.” He gestured to his eyes, smiling sardonically.

“Yes,” Will said, “fortunately for me, I need not stay to be further admonished for my choice of dress.”

They parted. But for long after, Tessa couldn’t give her complete focus to _Great Expectations_. Every once in a while, her mind would stray to the blind boy and his pinstriped companion. She hoped she would see them again.

* * *

Two weeks later, Tessa went back to The French Press to grade her nineteenth century British literature class’s midterm papers, with help from the best oat milk latte in town. Her students this quarter were bright and enthusiastic, making her job that much more enjoyable. She was looking forward to reading their writing.

About an hour in, still deep in her brown study, she went over to the water cooler to get a cup of water. On her way back to her table, she was scrolling through her text messages when someone stood up suddenly, jostling them both. Water went everywhere.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” the man said, holding up his hands. The woman sitting across from him stood up in alarm. The man turned and Tessa looked up into a familiar face.

“ _Jem_?” Of course, the universe would choose to embarrass her in three different ways at exactly the same time. As if it wasn’t bad enough that she accidentally spilled water on someone, it just had to be someone she knew _and_ someone who couldn’t see to clean himself up.

Tessa stammered, “Oh my God, no-- _I’m_ sorry, I wasn’t looking. It was just water, I’ll get you some napkins, um--”

“Do I know you?” he interrupted gently, his head cocking to the side. “Your voice sounds familiar.”

“It’s Tessa, from... two weeks ago, same place?”

Realization dawned on him as an easy smile. “Right! Hello Tessa! I’m glad it’s you who’s caught me in this state of embarrassment, and not someone else.”

“Please, it’s all my fault,” she said, pressing napkins into his hand. A small hand shot into view--it was the woman sitting across from Jem.

“Let me help,” she explained. “I’m with him.”

As Tessa handed them over, Jem said, “Don’t fuss, Charlotte, there isn’t much on me. I can feel it. Just let me know if it looks like I have unflattering sweat stains.”

The woman named Charlotte grinned. “I always tell you when you have unflattering sweat stains. What else are big sisters for?”

Tessa let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. She was being ridiculous: what did it matter whether Charlotte was his sister or just a friend, or more than a friend? Tessa was a grown woman with a PhD, for crying out loud, not a schoolgirl with a crush.

But then again, she was very adept at lying to herself.

She introduced herself to Charlotte, then asked, “What are you two doing here today?”

“We’re planning a birthday party for Charlotte’s husband,” replied Jem. “And you, Tessa? Come back for the excellent coffee?”

“Yes, actually,” she said. “This is my favorite café in town. Though I’m also grading my students’ papers.”

“You’re a teacher?”

“Professor.”

Charlotte whistled; Jem smiled. “Good on you,” Charlotte said. “Well, you’re welcome to share our table if you like. A friend of Jem is a friend of mine. We’ll be a bit chatty but if you don’t mind...”

“I’d love to join you.”

Tessa worked well into the afternoon, idly listening to Jem and Charlotte’s banter. It sounded like they were planning a hell of a birthday party for her husband, Henry.

At one point, Jem leaned toward her and asked, “Are you sure we’re not annoying you, Tessa?”

She smiled and placed a hand over his where it rested on the table. “Quite sure.”

She exchanged numbers with the siblings and headed home with her heart smiling in a way it hadn’t in a long time.

* * *

Two months and several accidental coffee dates later, Tessa’s phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Tessa. It’s Jem.”

“Oh, hi Jem.” He’d never called before. “How are you?”

“Very well, thanks. You alright?”

“Yes.”

“Listen, you’re not too busy right now, are you?”

“Not at all.” She paused. “Is everything alright, Jem?”

“Yes, everything’s fine. You see, I wanted to ask you something.”

She hadn’t the slightest... “Sure, go ahead.”

He took a deep breath. Faintly, Tessa could hear another voice on the line, probably Will’s, saying something. Finally Jem’s voice came back to her.

“It’s just that--this is probably quite forward of me, and forgive me for assuming, but as far as I know, you aren’t seeing anybody--” He cut himself off. “Right. I’ll just come straight out with it. Do you want to go out with me sometime?”

Tessa’s heart fluttered in her chest. She thought she’d done a good job of hiding her feelings over the past few weeks, but in reality--she realized with a pang--he didn’t need to be able to see in order to shoot straight into her heart.

“My, that is forward of you, James.”

“Sorry--”

“Don’t apologize. Since you’re so straightforward with me, I’ll return the favor--I like when a man knows what he wants and goes for it.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” He huffed a laugh. “Does that mean--”

“Yes,” Tessa said. “I would love to go out with you, James.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day x

“Do you ever try to picture what people look like?”

They were at the park, sitting together on a bench swing. The sun had just set, and the sky was a darkening palette of blue and purple. Jem had asked her to describe the sunset to him. She did her best; she’d always had a way with words, but attempting to describe something as inexplicably beautiful as the sunset made her realize how much she took for granted every day. It was akin to describing the colors and brush strokes of a Monet.

Now Jem turned in her direction. “What do you mean?”

“I always thought that people’s voices usually match their faces, but it’s noticeable when they don’t match. Like David Beckham, for instance.”

“Hey, I love David Beckham.” As usual, Jem’s voice had no rancor in it; Tessa glanced over and saw his cheek dimple.

Then he nodded. “When I could see, I matched voice to face all the time, like you. But now, I recognize people based on their voices, so I don’t really imagine the faces that would match the voices. But I could if I wanted to.” He chuckled. “Can’t say I’m any good at it, though.”

She squeezed his hand. “Do you know what Will looks like?”

“More good looking than he knows what to do with? Yes, I know.”

Tessa smiled and looked up. The sky was dark now, and from the top of this hillside, they were far enough away from the city to behold the first stars of the night.

“What does the sky look like now?” he asked softly.

“Jem, are you sure you want me to? I’m afraid I don’t do the view any justice.”

This time he took her hand. “Tessa, when you described the sunset to me, I could see it as clearly as if I were using my own eyes. I don’t know which was more beautiful: the sunset itself, or the way you described it. I’m a lucky man to have you as my eyes. Even if you weren’t an English professor, I’d know from the way you speak that you have a marvelous way with words.” He took a deep breath. “So yes, I do want you to describe to me what you see.”

Tessa watched him closely as she listened, listened to his words the way that he listened to hers, mesmerized by how easily his words put her at ease. Her heart surged at the thought.

“Alright, then,” she whispered, turning to look up. “The light is not completely gone, so the sky is a dark blue. It’s a cloudless night. City lights in the distance.” She swallowed and looked out of the corner of her eye. Jem, sensing her hesitation, squeezed her hand.

“The stars... they’re just starting to come out now. As if they’re winking into existence. I’m no good at recognizing constellations, so instead I just stare into the sky. Do that, and eventually, you feel swallowed up by the stars. Like they’re little sparks on a giant quilt wrapped around you. And for a moment, you forget your worries and...”

Jem waited, but she didn’t continue.

“And?”

“And focus on the present,” she said softly. “Our problems... they’re insubstantial compared to this sky of stars and galaxies that we can’t even see. Each star is a reason to be thankful. Each one is a simple reminder that life is beautiful.”

After a moment, she glanced at him. “Sorry, that was a terrible description--”

“I think you’re beautiful.”

Her breath caught in her throat. She didn’t dare move.

“Jem...”

“You asked me earlier if I wonder what people look like. I don’t, usually, unless their voice or their words really speak to me. With you, it’s both.” He smiled shyly. “I’ve never seen you, but I’ve met you. And I know that this is only our third date, but I feel like I’ve known you for a long time. Even to a blind man, it’s obvious...” He turned to her. “Tessa, even when I cannot see, you are so beautiful.”

All at once, it occurred to her that here was a man whose eyes were closed to the world, perhaps forever, and yet his heart was wide open. What reason did she have to be guarded? jaded? To protect her own heart from being hurt again? Erecting emotional walls were a tried and true long-term failure, yet it was the defense mechanism of choice for most people who’d been hurt before, herself included. But lately she was tired of making excuses to push people away. Ever since James Carstairs came into her life and taught her to see what love was.

She took his hands. “That sounds almost practiced, James Carstairs. How many women have you made swoon with those words?”

“There is only one woman I care to make swoon,” he whispered. “The question is, does she?”

She leaned toward him, running her fingers lightly up his arms. Finally she stroked his cheeks with her thumbs and said in a shaky whisper:

“I’m going to kiss you now, James.”

“Do I take that as a yes?” His breath ghosted over her cheek, and his mouth trembled ever so slightly.

Instead of answering, she pressed her lips to his.

The kiss was slow and soft at first, butterfly touches of sweetness, until Jem deepened it by plunging his hands into her hair and tilting her head. She gasped softly and opened her mouth against his. Soon the heat of his lips and tongue and the pull of hands in her hair left her breathless. Finally they pulled away, breathing roughly.

Jem’s cheeks were flushed. Tessa knew she looked the same.

“I do know one thing,” he murmured, smiling.

“What’s that?”

“You have long hair.”

* * *

Even after the honeymoon phase of their relationship was supposed to be long over, their dates would continue in this vein. Jem discovered that Tessa’s love of literature prevented her relationships from lasting very long, the men citing that she would often grow absentminded and ramble on about some connection between a book she recently read and real life. This confused him; he could listen all day to her talk so passionately.

Tessa learned that Jem was basically a violin prodigy, despite his attempts at self-deprecation. He had played with local orchestras for the past two years, until a rare genetic condition caused his eyes to deteriorate from 20/20 to total blindness over the course of just one month. He only ever had one previous girlfriend, who left him after he went blind. After all this time, though, he was no longer sad about it, as it revealed to him his real friends: Will, Charlotte, Henry... They were the only ones left after the others realized they could no longer count on riding the wave of Jem’s rising fame. And he was happier for it. Life was simpler. Funny that he could see the truth more clearly than he ever could when he could use his eyes to see.

On one date, Tessa took Jem to hear the Sibelius violin concerto performed live. Before it began, she asked him about his favorite violin pieces.

“Bach’s Chaconne from the D minor Partita.” He leaned closer to her. “Though the whole piece is amazing. I do love the Sibelius violin concerto, though. Did you know it was his only concerto? He’s one of my favorite composers of any music. Such a visionary.”

She smiled at how Jem’s face glowed with the words. “Do you still play nowadays?”

“Oh, yes,” he said softly. “I actually practice more now than when I wasn’t blind. Not just because I have to, but because I enjoy the challenge more now. I have to work harder at it, but in the end I think it makes me a more confident player, oddly enough.”

As Tessa ran her fingertips absently over his finger calluses, he asked, “What made you want to hear Sibelius tonight?”

“I love Sibelius, and classical music in general, but I hardly ever go to concerts. Classical music always helps me get in the right mindset to teach, and to write.”

“What are you writing?”

“I’m working on a book about Virginia Woolf and Katherine Mansfield. Two very different ladies, with far more in common than we think.”

Jem grinned. “Will loves Katherine Mansfield. He says he hates Woolf, but I think he’s secretly in love with her.”

Tessa laughed. “I can definitely relate. I have the same kind of relationship with Murakami.”

“I don’t know who he is, but I’m jealous.”

That startled another laugh from her. Jem smiled. A hush fell over the hall as the lights dimmed. She whispered to Jem that it was starting.

The music soared, filling the room with every swell of winds and strings. Chilling at times, and warm to the core at others. Tessa let her mind wander: Jem was the soloist, approaching this crowd of strangers with an open heart, as he had with her. Every note rang clear and confident, laden with his heart.

At the end of the second movement, Tessa glanced over at Jem, and was surprised to see a tear roll down his cheek. She squeezed his hand.

After the concert, they chatted as they filed out of the hall and into the foyer.

“Hang on, I’ve got thirteen missed calls from my aunt,” Tessa said, brows knitting over her phone.

“Do you need to dash? It might be an emergency.”

She frowned. It was true; her aunt hardly ever called, much preferring to get in contact via text.

“It might be... Could you hold on a minute while I call her back? I’ll be right here.”

“Of course.”

Tessa held the phone to her ear, absently tapping her forefinger on the back of the device. Had something happened to her, or to Nate? As the phone rang on and on, she glanced at Jem, standing calmly to the side of the flood of exiting concertgoers.

“Hello, Tessa?”

There was a strained note in her aunt’s voice, but the tension around Tessa’s heart relaxed a little. “Aunt Harriet? Is everything alright?”

“Sweetheart, it’s Nate,” Harriet began, “he’s come back---not doing alright---you should come--”

Tessa frowned. It was hard to hear; people around her were raising their voices as Harriet’s grew thinner. She held a finger to her other ear and was asking her aunt to repeat when she jumped at the scream:

Shaky, guttural, and unmistakably Nate’s.

“Tessa, come quickly--” was the last she heard from a panicked Harriet before Tessa listened with dread to the three beeps that accompanied the end of a call.

Dazed, she looked unseeingly at the phone in her hand. In the same stupor she would later recall rejoining Jem and informing him that she needed to see her aunt, she didn’t know what was wrong but she feared something would happen, or might have already happened, if she didn’t go. Jem had said something soothing to her--she didn’t remember what--and told her not to worry about him because he’d call Will to give him a ride home. He told her to drive safe and suddenly she was in her car reversing out of the parking space. Had she stayed until Will got there? Her brother’s scream was echoing in her ears.

It was all she heard as she merged onto the highway, flooring the pedal, headed straight for her aunt’s house.


End file.
